


Collection of D&D Character One Shots

by chibihaley



Series: Collection of D&D Oneshots [1]
Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game), Original Work
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Blood, Drug Abuse, Drugs, Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition, Fluff and Angst, Hearing Voices, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Light Smut, Other, Panic Attacks, Possession, Romance, Schizophrenia, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sick Character, Sickfic, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-05-29 20:29:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15081116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chibihaley/pseuds/chibihaley
Summary: Don't think anybody is going to read these, which I can't blame anyone for given that they are completely original works presented with zero context and would be confusing to anyone new, but it's nice to have all of my personal fics on a public site so that I can easily access and edit them from wherever I am. Maybe someday I will put all of these puzzle piece fics together into one cohesive story.





	1. Millicent's Garden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kel, walk in closet of issues, learns what it is like to date someone who cares about them.

The observatory offered no escape.

  
Kel imagined the height of the building would lift them closer to space, far from the ground, farther from the horrors underneath it, and into the night sky. They hoped to get lost there, but found again with Millicent as their tether to reality. They thought it would be safe.

  
But it was crowded and loud. Kel was hyper aware of the slight movements of the throng of people surrounding them. Every sudden escalation in the lilt of eavesdropped conversations jolted their nerves awake. Kel familiarized themselves with all routes of escape upon entering the room and was acutely aware of the probability of failure in attempting to abscond should the need arise. If disaster were to ensue, an event not out of the question given their growing status as heroes and by extension: targets for villains, the doorway would be quickly blocked by the masses if they weren't trampled getting there first, and the windows were thick enough to break bones upon impact which would be a risk of little consequence if the fall from this height would not guarantee death as it most certainly did. This was supposed to be a romantic outing with the one they tentatively chose as their partner, but Kel panicked. The stars were blurry, the night was dauntingly endless and dark, and the building was a snare.

  
Millicent must have noticed the hitch in Kel's breath because she grabbed their hand and circled her thumb across the bandages there. It would have been soothing if Kel hadn't been so ashamed for losing themselves to irrational fears. Not to mention the feeling of the bandages blocking Millicent's touch ignited Kel's dysphoria. They squeezed Millicent's hand, unable to find the words of gratitude for her simple gesture of concern. They smiled weakly. Millicent shook her head, reading Kel like a book.

  
"Hey." Her voice was soft and low and yet Kel could hear her clearly above the cacophony of the crowd and in their head. "Let's get out of here."

  
Their exit, though inconspicuous, did not go without notice from the perceptive eyes of the rest of their party. Dragomir, Avarice, Immeral, and Tal joined them and continued the evening's festivities at The Bloody Champion. The rest of the night was a blur. They said Kel needed to "take it easy," so they drank. Kel still didn't feel relaxed, so they drank more. They gave up on drinking and exhumed the drugs from the locked box strapped to their waist belts. It wasn't hard enough, so they took Millicent's suggestion and sampled the suude they conned off that bastard from Turstfields. The party chastised them, so Kel returned to alcohol with spite. Millicent decided that was enough and pulled Kel outside for some fresh air and a walk under the stars.

  
Kel did more stumbling than walking. Millicent was a great deal shorter, but did what she could to steady her balance-challenged partner. Strangers eyed them on the street. Some of the stares were full of concern, some of ridicule. Other prying eyes were lascivious and threatening. Millicent spat at those strangers' feet and dragged Kel outside the walls of the town and into the forest. She followed the trail that lead to the serene alcove where they had their first date.

  
The moon shone resplendently, painting light over foliage and branches and dipping its reflection into the pond at the center of the clearing. The forest was alive with crickets singing and small animals scampering through the brush, but the air was still and peaceful. Millicent idly admired the scene. She was not particularly fond of most things, but she felt safe here, away from the crowds, surrounded by all of night's beauty.

  
Kel's world was not as peaceful or beautiful. They staggered to the nearest tree and used their arm as a buffer to rest their pounding head on. Everything spun wildly, even with their eyes closed. Distortion and nausea plagued them, and it wasn't before long until their insides quickly became their outsides. Kel vomited and collapsed to the dirt, bark lightly scuffing their new leather coat as they fell. Millicent found solace on a nearby rock and waited patiently for Kel's storm to pass. They coughed and sniffled and mumbled something incoherent.

  
"Repeat." Millicent requested.

  
Kel grunted as they pushed themselves to sit up with their back against the tree, not meeting eyes with the girl in all black beside them. Millicent stirred up an amalgam of emotions and nausea on a regular day, Kel wasn't keen on discovering what effect she would have on them in this unfortunate state. Nevertheless, Kel found her exceptionally and uniquely entrancing. That much was evident from peripherals alone, blurred as they were. Millicent had a drink or two herself, but stayed well within her limits. She probably sensed that Kel had no intention of practicing restraint and held back for their sake. Just another example of how Kel is at best a burden, and at worst toxic. They wanted to share all of these thoughts with her, but only managed to blurt out something they didn't intend.

  
"I'm weak." Kel confessed.

  
Without batting a deeply shadowed eyelid, Millicent objected, "You survived the Underdark for fifty years, murdered a gang of orcs to protect me, slew a hydra... need I go on?"

  
Kel lazily shook their head, immediately regretting the decision as dizziness swarmed their brain and nausea threatened to resurface. Their slim fingers trembled and their breaths became labored, but they forced themselves to regain what little composure they had left as if Millicent hadn't just witnessed a horrendously vile display of humiliation. As if the stench didn't hang on their breath. They could've sworn they heard distant yet familiar laughter in the back of their head.

  
"I had help. Alone, I'm weak." Kel cursed at how slurred the words drawled out and at how afraid they were to make complete sentences at the risk of something else escaping their throat. They pressed on cautiously. "You said it yourself, my stuff is much weaker." Their lisp was painfully obvious and they gagged after straining for emphasis. They repositioned themselves safely on their side. They hated this, but hung their head and waited for the next wave.

  
Millicent asked for clarification. Kel, too afraid to respond, jostled the box hooked onto their belt. This brought her attention to the small metallic chest that contained their specially made drugs. They heaved and coughed while Millicent considered this for a moment.

  
"Relatively, Kel. Suude is dangerous, even lethal, in improper dosages." Millicent explained and hoped that Kel wouldn't take that as a challenge.

  
"Just look at me." Kel bemoaned pitifully.

  
Millicent had to admit, it wasn't their most shining moment, hovering over the sodden dirt, fluids dripping from their face, various liquid stains coloring their coat. They wiped their mouth without much improvement and dragged the back of their hand under their running nose. Before they could reach under their fogged up goggles to wipe away the reflex tears, Millicent handed them a black handkerchief. She ordinarily used it to dust off vials at work, but she didn't mind sacrificing the fabric to alleviate Kel's suffering if only marginally. Kel carefully accepted. They tore the goggles from their face, their skin now turning more of a muted lavender than their usual deep violet, and experienced some difficulty untangling the device from their raven hair damp with sweat and falling out of the tie that once held it all together. Finally, after they discarded the eyewear to the ground with an unceremonious clatter, they brought the handkerchief to their misty eyes first, then cleaned the rest of their face. It helped somewhat.

  
Millicent liked to pride herself as someone who did not pity her partner. It seemed that Kel, however, was determined to make that a nearly impossible feat. Even if it was their fault for consuming so many bottles and vials in the first place.

  
Millicent knew they were overdoing it. She should have stopped it sooner, but she couldn't shake her curiosity. That was the consequence of being an alchemist, she supposed. She didn't know how much Kel, or any drow for that matter, could take. Now she did. It evidently wasn't as much as she thought, but even a barbarian double fisting hard liquor and narcotics at an equivalent amount respective to their proportions would most likely be brought to their knees. She should have been more conscious of the price that Kel was willing to pay for self destruction, though. They probably regretted the fact that she was still there, watching them. They must not have planned this far ahead.

  
Kel hated themself so much.

  
Millicent stood and dusted herself off, though it wasn't necessary. She told Kel, "I'm going to request a private bath at the inn. The water will be too cold here. Can you walk?"

  
Kel didn't respond. She knew Kel didn't want to be cared for because they believed they deserved to suffer. Anyone who came between them and repentance was their enemy. But Millicent never let that stop her from loving them because she knew that beyond this deep self-hatred there was empathy. She could relate. So she did what she thought Kel would do for her in this situation, though they probably would have been more responsible with her and prevented it from happening at all. She wrapped their long arm around her shoulders and helped them onto their feet again.

  
Kel struggled to remain conscious. They slumped onto Millicent's shoulder, closed their eyes and focused on breathing deeply and balancing their weight so that their partner was not lifting all of it. Their drug induced haze was quickly going south. Every step felt like hours, death felt imminent, dread and panic clouded their mind and shortened their breaths. The pain was ceaseless. The laughter in their mind grew louder. The two had to stop a couple times for Kel to retch and recuperate. Kel dug their nails into their scalp and tugged at their hair roughly in frustration and agony wondering why Millicent didn't leave them to rot in the forest. They were too much for her. She could have had a much better life without them consistently destroying it. They almost resented her for choosing them. But Kel was not exempt from the problem. They gripped onto Millicent tightly as they powered through their anxiety attack all the way back to the inn.

  
Once they reached The Bloody Champion, Millicent paid for a bath and lead Kel to the private room with a wooden tub. Candles lit the room in a faint glow. The clerk filled the basin with water, warm from sitting by a fire, and gave them their privacy. Kel didn't know if they would be able to hold themself up in a bath let alone wash. They were so drained. They tried not to make this apparent to Millicent with little success.

  
Kel did not want to take their coat off, but figured it was inevitable. One by one they fumbled to release each button from their fabric prisons. Millicent reached for a button on Kel's waist which made Kel flinch and nearly bat her hand away. The color in Kel's face returned somewhat at this. Millicent stopped and looked slightly offended, though it was hard to read her expression when her constant state of being was apathetic. Guilt gripped at Kel's heart. It wasn't that Millicent was forbidden, but Kel felt strongly that she would not be comfortable with what was underneath. As if they had said this aloud, which was entirely possible given their half-conscious state, Millicent backed away out of the door and shut it behind her.

  
A disturbing mixture of relief and regret twisted Kel's insides. They sighed and continued unbuttoning. It took a while, but eventually they shrugged off the coat and undressed down to their bindings. It was similarly time-consuming, tedious, and irritating, but they unraveled bandages from several different parts of their body until a suitable amount of violet skin showed. They always felt remorseful once they were able to take in the innumerable amount of marks discoloring their skin. If only it were so easy to peel off scars.

  
They slowly submerged themselves in the bath, thankful for the soothing warmth it brought. Thankful for Millicent. They lifted their head out of the water to find the door creaking open and a figure slipping in.

  
Instinctively, Kel yelped and covered as much of their exposed body as they were able to with what little they had, only to be greeted with a small laugh. Millicent's laugh. It was rare and subtle, but one of the loveliest sounds Kel has ever heard. Her teeth sparkled under her full lips painted as dark as the night. Kel froze under her sultry gaze. She had never seen them like this.

  
Before Kel could escape or flashback to every nightmare they've had about this, Millicent pulled down the lacy sleeves of her black dress and let it fall to the floor. Kel blanched. She stepped out of the heap of floral fabric and rested her wide brimmed hat on a shelf, unveiling her face. She retrieved a bar of soap from the same shelf, revealing her backside with poise, and met Kel on the edge of the tub. They wordlessly admired her, as if she were a painting. It was a tight fit, but Millicent stepped in between their long and lanky legs, knelt into the water and shifted to place her finger on Kel's chin. Kel shut their jaw they didn't realize was hanging wide open.

  
"What?" Millicent said with a saccharine pout. "I never said I wasn't going to join you."

  
Kel stammered. "You never said you were either..."

  
Millicent smirked and turned her back to Kel, leaning into their slender form taking up most of the tub. She wrapped their lithe arms around her and said, "Surprise."

  
She was going to be the death of them. She was perfect. Her body was porcelain and soft and shiny. Their body, on the other hand, was awkward. Their skin was hardly even skin anymore. They felt so vulnerable, as if every scar suddenly grew ten times larger. She was so soft, she could break so easily. Kel hoped she never would. Every time Millicent did something so irreplaceably intimate like this, Kel welled up with emotion. Heat burned in the pit of their stomach and in the corners of their eyes. A force begged them to never let go. They rested their chin in the crook of Millicent's neck and brushed their rough hands up and down Millicent's smooth arms.

  
The two rested in peaceful silence for a brief moment, listening to one another breathe, knowing they were still alive.

  
Soon enough, Millicent made use of the soap. She lathered it over her arms, her shoulders, her legs and feet. She truly took this opportunity to the fullest and stretched out every moment, half to tease Kel, half to revel in the serenity of it all. Kel massaged Millicent's back, eliciting small moans of delight from her lips. The sound was so foreign to Kel. It tightened their heart and brought a different type of nausea to their insides. They could do this all night, or forever. Or, at least until... she perished.

  
Kel fell limp at the thought. There would be no forever as far as Millicent was concerned.

  
As if sensing the shift in Kel's atmosphere, Millicent turned around to face them. Kel couldn't bring themselves to meet her eyes. She gently placed her palm on their cheek and Kel leaned into it gingerly with shame twisted on their anguished face. With some mindful maneuvering, Millicent climbed on top of Kel and leaned in to press her lips against theirs. They tasted rancid and awful but their lips were notably supple compared to their leathery, striated skin. Kel knew that kissing them might not have been pleasant due to prior poor decisions, so they bowed their head to prevent Millicent from making the same mistake. She kissed their forehead instead, now damp with condensation from the steamy bath. She leaned back and dragged the soap from her naval to her neck. She then swirled circles of soap down to her breasts, paying special attention to them for Kel.

  
This wracked Kel's nerves and shortened their breath again. Millicent took their hands from her lower back and brought them to her soapy chest. She guided them to press into her tender, slippery skin. She released her grip once Kel understood the motions on their own and moaned again, more urgent this time.

  
An anxious ache panged in Kel's heart. They were unsure of this. This was something entirely new to them. They worried that they weren't doing it right, if Millicent actually wanted this or if she was forcing herself, how they should not have done this at all because it would only hurt more when she...

  
Kel hissed in sudden pain as soap sunk into their fresh cuts from earlier. They quickly drew their hands away and plunged their hands in the water for fleeting relief. They attempted to wash or shake out the soap to not much avail. The laughter was back.

  
"Are those new?" Millicent inquired. Her voice was steady and monotone, so Kel was unable to tell if she was disappointed or not. She cupped her hands into the water and poured it over her breasts nonchalantly.

  
Kel avoided her gaze. "I needed to."

  
Millicent looked Kel over. The rest of their body matched the worn arms she had seen before. Scars littered every inch of their skin. White ones, red ones, raised and badly healed ones from their neck to their toes. The vertical ones were jagged and angry. Those were more likely to have come from enemies and monsters. The horizontal ones, however, some small, some large, but all carefully positioned into patterns- those were from Kel. It was an egregiously gruesome picture, but not one that Millicent was phased by.

  
"You're not going to have any skin left if you keep needing to." She meant it as a dark joke, or an casual observation, but Kel felt the sting of shame from her words. It hurt because she had a point and it was their fault. Millicent attempted to remedy her cheeky statement. "You're not weak, Kel. You're a survivor. You are strong."

  
Kel balled their hands into fists and pushed themselves out of the tub. They quickly wrapped a towel around themselves and grabbed their discarded clothes.

  
"This is not strength." Kel growled.

  
"Kel." Millicent chided, but they continued to dry themselves off and dress themselves hastily. They ditched their shirt, bandages, and headwear, let their trench coat and belts hang loosely over their shoulders, and slammed the door on their way out.

 

It was dangerous to traverse the streets undisguised as a drow, but Kel didn't care. Those who wanted them dead frankly had their permission to do as they pleased. The night was growing colder. They were forced to shove their arms into their coat and fasten the topmost buttons. They ran to the nearest tree, aggressively clawed up to the sturdiest branch and perched there. Rage burned under their skin. This night was humiliating. They needed an escape. The laughter continued, louder, mocking. Kel seethed at the thought that Sybille had the audacity to mock them.

  
They pulled out their dagger from the sheath on the belt and looked for a place on their fingers to cut. They pressed on the wounds from earlier to see if they could squeeze out blood but it was no use. Looking over the back and front and every sliver of skin on their hands they realized that they may have officially covered the entire area with cuts. Millicent was right. There really was nothing left of them. They've run over scars in the past so it wasn't out of the question to do so again but still, a new hopelessness lingered in the air.

  
A draft caught under their coat and lapped at their bare chest. They considered marking that region, but evil already scathed brutal reminders there heavily before Kel got to it. Back in the Underdark, whips tended to have poor accuracy, albeit it was safe to assume they were premeditated accidents. One licked over their shoulder and burned down to the center of their chest, another came up from their slightly protruding ribs. They knew their father's owner had purposely been sloppy that day, probably on account of discovering their secret identity as female at birth instead of male like they had been presenting at the time. The chance to punish the reflection of matriarchy must have been cathartic for someone lower on the chain. Or maybe they whipped with wild abandon for fun, or for pleasure. The maniacal laughter of that bitch echoed in their memory, tangling with Sybille's. The stab wounds they received recently from the wraiths were still red. They poured into the countless nicks Kel had dashed there already. They were running out of room.

  
They felt eyes on the back of their neck watching them. They looked but saw nothing. It was probably the Shadar Kai that everyone kept mentioning, Sybille most of all. Her laughter grated painfully in the front of their mind now, so they took that as an affirmative answer. Well, they bet the Shadar Kai and his goddess of pity were really going to get off to of this crude display of sorrow. Kel cursed, their head throbbed, they needed the drugs, quickly.

  
They breathed in and brought the knife to their chin. The face was not a taboo area, but it was one that Sybille wasn't careful with. The missing teeth, for instance, was on account of tripping while running from a ravenous beast. The beast would not have been provoked had Sybille not tried to hug it due to its "oddly cute" nature. The monster picked them up with their tentacles and thought it would be funny to rip the loose teeth out. They've also often woken up with bloody noses, split lips, nicks in the eyebrow, and various bruises for mostly, much to Kel's frustration, unexplained reasons. But they were desperate, so, face it was. They breathed out as they sliced a serviceable amount of blood from their chin. They gathered drops onto their thumb and smeared it onto the locked box. It clicked open. Kel pulled a vial out, popped the cork and tilted their head back. Except, nothing came out.

  
The tube was empty.

  
They panicked. They swore they made enough. They removed another backup vial from the box, but found that one was empty as well. Kel cursed loudly. They scrambled for the suude as a last resort. It was nowhere to be found. They searched their belt over and over. They knew they put it here. They were running out of time. The laughter tormented them now. Visions of the past and strangely familiar creatures and people they've never seen before barraged them. They covered their long ears and shut their eyes tightly, but it was futile. Their eyes rolled back into their head as claws ripped the threads of their soul out of their body. The detested apparition shoved into their veins. They screamed in agony.

  
"Get out." They yelled and dragged the dagger down the side of their cheek. "Get out." They carved into their lips down to their chin. "Get out." A hand firmly gripped their wrist, preventing them from slashing at their cheekbone.

  
They yelped at something stabbing the bottom of their wrist. They opened their eyes and saw Millicent, wearing their long sleeved black shirt. Their torso was considerably longer, so it fit like a dress on her. She looked exceptionally cute. She should wear their clothes more often, they looked better on her.

  
Kel yelped again at another stabbing sensation hitting their wrist. They looked down and found that they weren't dreaming. Millicent was, in fact, stabbing them with what appeared to be a sharp stick. She pulled it out and stabbed again.

  
"Hey! What the hell are you doing?" Kel yelled.

  
"I could ask you the same thing." She said.

  
Kel watched as a drop of blood splattered onto the leather of their coat. They touched the source with their free hand and examined it. Red painted over their palm. Their face stung.

  
Millicent handed them a red vial from a bag slung around her shoulder and continued. "But I won't."

  
Kel assumed this potion's properties were for healing, so they gently dabbed some onto the lacerations. It still hurt but it appeared to stop the bleeding. The laughter faded away. Kel hoped that Sybille finally went to bed, frightened off by the pain in her flesh vessel. They were exhausted themselves. Another stab woke them up. They were about to pull their arm away from their vicious girlfriend until they looked down. They blinked in astonishment.

  
A tiny swirl of ink dotted against their skin, covering a small scar in its place. Millicent was drawing on them. Drawing _in_ them. Dumbfounded, they looked to their new tattoo artist for answers.

  
A faint smile hit her lips as she explained. "You always say you're afraid because we can't be together forever. Well, now you will have a piece of me that will last for as long as you will."

  
Tears filled Kel's eyes. They let them fall. Kel dug their fingers into Millicent's hair behind her ear and closed the distance between them in an instant. Kel tasted like blood now, which Millicent figured was a slight improvement from earlier. Kel whispered apologies while they kissed every part of Millicent's face and down her neck.

  
"Thank you for stopping me." They said quietly.

  
She kissed them gently. She lingered there with her forehead resting on theirs, just like the first time. "I love you." She said. "I always will."

  
She wiped Kel's tears away and broke apart only to continue her masterpiece. Kel jumped and laughed at the suddenness of her integrity.

  
"So, you need blood?" She asked.

  
Kel's heart dropped. "You saw?"

  
Millicent nodded. "I'm not as skilled at climbing trees as you are. It took me some time."

  
Kel didn't think they were that skilled at climbing trees. It was most likely the adrenaline to blame. They closed the box with the empty vials and hooked them back onto their belt.

  
"Does it need to be your blood?" Millicent asked.

  
Kel shook their head. "I don't think so."

  
Millicent poked them with their sharp pointed ink stick with playful malice and chided, "I can get you blood, idiot."

  
Kel laughed. "I didn't want anyone to find out. It's to preserve the safety of my drugs. In here they won't get stolen, they won't break-"

  
"They won't run out?" Millicent teased.

  
"I have all the ingredients stored in the box as well." Kel assured testily. "I need to make more tomorrow. Not to mention healing potions, and poisons. I'm not planning on asking the help of a devil ever again."

  
"I'll help you." Millicent said. "As long as you promise that you will look down at my art and remember me before you hurt yourself."

  
Kel observed their wrist. A vine with thorns spiraled elegantly. It marked the beginning of Millicent’s garden. Kel could hardly identify the scars they’ve traced hundreds of times under the dark ink. They nodded sincerely and hugged Millicent tightly. This could be Kel's new escape.


	2. Three is a Crowd

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Millicent has a chat with the ghost that is possessing her partner's body.

“Harder.” Kel moaned. “Deeper.”

  
Millicent kissed their lips, mindful of the healing lacerations there. She pulled away and lightly snickered at the captive she straddled.

  
In the moments preceding this endeavor, the two stripped down to the barest minimum of clothing without completely exposing themselves; Kel in bindings and boxers and Millicent in intrinsically gothic lingerie. Neither of them had any ulterior motives at the time, but Kel idly toyed with the black, frilly garter that hugged Millicent’s thigh as the artist poked illustrations into Kel’s sternum. This became their habitual evening recreation. Tattoos of black vines and floral arrangements melting onto skulls stretched from their wrist up to their shoulder. Millicent poked near the drow’s collar bone with the ink tipped stick she crafted with a force that opposed Kel’s demands: gently, and just underneath the surface of violet, scarred skin.

  
“No.” Millicent rejected Kel and smeared away some traces of blood from her design.

  
They shifted underneath her. “I’m kidding.”

  
Millicent eyed them deviously, unconvinced. “Do you want to beg, Kel?”

  
Kel’s eyes widened. Although Millicent sounded entirely indifferent, her gaze lidded over, Kel still felt intimidated, as if it were a threat. The perspective of her mounting them probably didn’t help.

  
She continued, voice low and steady. “I can make you beg.”

  
Heat rose to their face. They stopped breathing, completely at a loss of how to respond.

  
Millicent drew the ink tipped stick from their skin and set it aside on a nearby table. This proved to be a little more than difficult feat due to the growing property overhaul of all surfaces in their vicinity. The stick balanced on top of its respective ink kit which was balancing on top of a case of medicinal herbs. The entire room mirrored this precarious style of arrangement, but there was a system to the chaos that only the alchemists could understand.

  
She leaned into Kel’s neck and placed gentle kisses there. Kel hummed with bliss. She kissed them as if they were made of paper. She brushed her soft lips downward, painting a light coat of her deep red lipstick across their neck. She stopped at her newest addition to her garden of gothic flowers and thorns on Kel’s sternum. The ink was deeply saturated and microscopic dots of blood peeked through the fresh marks. She dragged her tongue across the outskirts of ink, lapping up the blood. Kel nearly lost control at the sight of their girlfriend licking her lips as if their blood was a rich delicacy. But she didn’t stop there. Once she swallowed, she lowered her mouth just above where she licked a hot trail of saliva and blew cool air onto it. The sensations rippled throughout their whole body. Her breath was like ice, soothing and refreshing but intense and piercing. She continued licking down to their hips and breathing up and down the trails until Kel found themselves panting.

  
The lower she traveled, the more Kel could faintly hear the keys of a piano being struck. Discordant, the sound grated on their brain. It hurt. Kel pushed through the pain and nonsense and focused on tracing Millicent’s body. Their hands smoothed over her knees, her shoulder blades, her neck, her short, dark hair. Millicent hummed, sending vibrations into Kel’s bones. She bit at the lining of their boxers and pulled them down with the help of her hands at the sides. Their breathing hitched. They didn’t know if they were ready for her to see, but they didn’t have much of a choice.

  
“Here, too?” She asked sweetly. It took a moment for Kel to process that she was referring to the self mutilation wrapped like ribbons below their waist.

  
Despite the growing ache in their head, Kel joked, “I didn’t exactly have the greatest relationship with that.”

  
Millicent drew her fingers from their naval downward and said with lust in her eyes, “That was before you introduced me.”

  
Kel breathed in and out deeply. They knew they could trust her but they were still nervous. Most cuts served a functional purpose: to shut the monster inside of them out. But it wasn’t before long until Kel formed an addiction to the pain. The sadistic act released chemicals to give them a kind of high- an escape from this reality. They found relief cutting the parts they hated most, in areas that would never be seen. Until now. They regretted it. Millicent deserved better.

  
Regardless, Millicent drew her hand nearer. Her fingers swept against them, sending a jolt through Kel’s body and a vicious pound to the keys of the piano in their mind. The sound popped their ear drums. As a reflex, they gripped Millicent’s hair and cursed loudly in sudden agony. Millicent untangled and pulled their fingers from her hair, yanking some strands from her scalp but without releasing so much as a grunt, and quickly pinned their wrists to their sides.

  
“Stop.” Kel shut their eyes and thrashed to one side in an attempt to get away from the force ripping out the seams of their soul. Millicent held them down to prevent them from hurting themselves. Their nails tore at the sheets. “Get out.” They growled.

  
Millicent kissed their forehead, their nose, their mouth. She swirled her thumbs around their wrists until they quieted. They blinked, the pain subsiding somewhat, and whispered an apology. Millicent shook her head until their noses rubbed together.

  
She reached for her tools so she could get back to work on her masterpiece, but Kel stopped her hand midway. She blinked quizzically.

  
“Please. Keep going. Don’t let me stop you.” Kel pleaded.

  
She considered this a moment, skeptically. She slowly descended on Kel’s body once more, locking her intense eyes with Kel’s to check in. Kel nodded, granting permission. The piano was professionally elaborate, but they refused to listen. They needed a distraction.

  
“What are you doing to me?” They asked.

  
Millicent breathed over their most sensitive parts. “Loving you.”

  
“Why?” They whispered louder.

  
“Because it feels good.” Millicent answered. Kel wanted to cover their ears at the resounding imaginary crescendo but Millicent held onto their wrists tightly. They shook and tried not to make a sound. “Doesn’t it?” She pulled them into her lips.

  
Kel was about to moan affirmatively, but instead a high pitched shriek erupted from their mouth. Their soul was forcibly shoved from out of them, like a spear scouring through their flesh and snapping on the way out. Millicent could only watch as Kel’s body flailed and crashed to the floorboards.

  
Millicent knew she should have stopped. She wanted to please Kel who thought they could handle whatever it was going on in their mind. Millicent didn’t hold it against them, but worried for her partner who was now in a panicked heap on the floor, yanking their boxers up and scurrying to the other side of the room.

  
“Kel?” She slid off the bed and took careful steps toward them.

  
Kel looked up with big tears streaked down their face, dripping off their chin. Millicent stopped in her tracks. Her heart broke. She met their eyes, but found no pupils there. Their entire scleras were clouded in shadow.

  
“Sybille.” She realized quickly.

  
Sybille clawed up the side of the wall weakly, hyperventilating through sobs. They truly sounded like a small child, whimpering and hiccuping, begging Millicent not to hurt them. Millicent took another cautious step forward and Sybille grabbed the nearest vial and threw it at Millicent’s feet. She avoided it but yelled at them which caused them to run out the doors, nearly tripping on their way out.

  
Kel had little to nothing on and was now dashing out into the night against their will, unsupervised. Millicent quickly grabbed Kel’s coat from the floor, threw a cloak over her body to cover herself, and chased after them, locking the door behind her.

  
The night air was brisk. She looked for any traceable sign of footprints or dust but the ground was not supple enough to leave tracks. She followed her instincts and allowed her feet to carry her swiftly into the forest surrounding the apothecary. She worried she’d lost Kel this time. Sybille was prone to barreling into the unknown with wild abandon, but usually Millicent kept her on a leash or monitored her location. She could be anywhere now. Calling her name would be futile because if Sybille didn’t listen on a good day, there was no chance she’d approximate an ounce of obedient while so distraught. Millicent stopped to catch her breath and made certain she remembered the way back. A breeze swept her cloak up sending a chill to her skin. That’s when, faintly in the distance, she heard a haunting sound of despair.

  
She followed the sorrowful cooing to a large tree, one she recognized. Strung around it was the rope she used to extend Sybille’s leash, and on the other side of the leash was Sybille in an uncanny display of obedience. The drow crouched into themself, shaking and whimpering. Millicent carefully sat a safe distance away from them.  
“It’s okay.” She reassured. She repeated that mantra until Sybille’s cries softened. Although she was in the body of a tall and gaunt drow, they somehow seemed smaller, like a child. Millicent felt strange talking to them like this, as if she were a mother to her young. Not that she would know how a mother should properly care for her daughter. “Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

  
Sybille straightened and stared at the ground, forlorn and broken. She couldn’t answer.

  
Millicent studied their body language. Sybille wrapped their arms around themselves and avoided eye contact. It was all somewhat familiar. “Did I cause it?” She asked, just to be sure.

  
She shook their head profusely. She brought their knees up to their chest and hugged them, resting their face in the crooks. Their shoulders shook. She sobbed quietly, stifling as much of it as she could.

  
Millicent thought about what triggered her immense grief, recalling her primal scream in response to her touch. The only reason anyone would react so violently to the sensation of touch is if pain has been burned there before. She put the pieces together and understood almost immediately. “It’s cold. I’m going to wrap you in Kel’s coat, okay? Then I’ll sit back over here.” She waited for Sybille to nod and did as she said.

  
“You can sit by me.” Sybille sniffled. “I promise I won’t bite.” She laughed weakly.

  
Millicent sat closer, but still maintained a comfortable distance. She hated the way Sybille still tried to smile for her, only burying her emotion. She could never let go of this. Playing it off as no big deal was not strength, it was a defense mechanism.

  
“I understand, Sybille. You know I do. And I’m sorry.” Sybille frowned at this, as if she’d been caught. Millicent glared holes into the blades of grass hugging the cloak. “Some people are sick and cruel. My father treated me in a way no father should treat his daughter.” She ripped the grass from the roots. “I still have nightmares. I have no remorse over murdering him and my brothers. It was justice. I only hope your abuser suffers the same fate.”

  
Sybille shook their head. “Mommy just needed a friend. I hope she has one now.”

  
Millicent bit her tongue before spiting Sybille’s mother. She cursed anyone who could torture their child and call themselves a caretaker. Those monsters were the scum of the earth. Sybille clearly suffered from post traumatic stress disorder, and yet here she was hoping her sick mother was okay. Making excuses for her despicable behavior. “I hope that friend teaches her responsibility for her actions.”

  
Sybille placed her hand over Millicent’s and squeezed. “I’m sorry your daddy was a big meanie.”

  
Millicent wanted to seethe at how playful she made several years of trauma sound, but looking at the expression pressed into Kel’s features, marred with a dark empathy only survivors could mirror, somehow made her sound wholly sincere.

  
Sybille has come out a couple times before, but mostly with her own agenda. She liked hugs, but recognized the boundaries she might be crossing and kept intimacy to a minimum. Three is a crowd. And Sybille did not pine for or commiserate in the way that Kel did with Millicent. She had not earned Millicent’s affections. Despite that, she seemed to observe all that happened whether Kel was in control or not- a privilege Kel was not fortunate enough to share. Millicent wondered where Kel was when Sybille was in control, given that they never remembered what happened during Sybille’s possession. She hoped they were okay.

  
Though it was Kel’s hand holding hers, a gesture which she had become familiar with and fond of by now, it was disconcerting coming to terms with the fact that this was not Kel, but a stranger touching them in ways she would usually forbid. There were a lot of questions Millicent could ask Sybille. The childish spirit clearly knew far more about her than she was willing to share of her own volition if she had the option. But that wasn’t necessarily Sybille’s fault for listening in on her vessel’s life and by extension, Millicent’s story. She didn’t think Sybille shared Kel’s infatuation and hoped that she wouldn’t try to encroach upon their relationship in obtrusive ways. Clearly she had clairvoyance, but Millicent hoped she didn’t purposefully spy on them or try to take advantage of the sensitive situations they would find themselves in. She was childish and naive enough to trust, but her recklessness was what worried Millicent. However, this was new. Millicent had seen tears fall from the drow’s face before, but never imagined that their ghost could feel anything other than unbridled mania. Guilt bubbled up in her chest for assuming that Sybille couldn’t feel pain, especially in so familiar a flavor.

  
So, she let Sybille hold her hand. Maybe, all this time, the excessive generosity of physical contact she shared was her compensation for the touch she lacked. Or maybe it was a form of her conquering her fears. Millicent hated her family and blamed them for her apathy towards everything, but watching Sybille, she started to wonder if her own deviousness with Kel was her way of coping. She figured it wasn’t worth ruminating over, considering she had already achieved revenge. “My father is dead now.”

  
Sybille wiped their running nose and attempted to steady their breaths. She couldn’t look at Millicent. Her voice wavered as she spoke. “I’m sorry I’m ruining Kel’s and your relationship. I want you both to be happy. And I know how hard it is for Kel to deal with me interrupting.” She curled further into herself, her small voice barely audible. “But it still hurts... even though I’m dead...”

  
Millicent shook her head consolingly. “The pain never goes away, but you can’t let them win. You decide if it’s going to destroy you, or make you stronger.”

  
Sybille blinked some tears out and turned to smile brightly at Millicent. She rubbed away a pool of tears from one eye with the heel of their palm and said, “You’re perfect for Kel.” In an instant, Sybille’s arms wrapped around Millicent’s torso. She snuggled into her shoulder. “I’m glad they have someone as strong as you in their life.”

  
Millicent glanced down at them. The wide smile was uncanny on Kel’s lips- so much so that she noticed the scab there opened from stretching too far and a small drop of blood peeked out, but Sybille didn’t seem to mind. Millicent maneuvered her arm from under Sybille’s embrace to rub their back.

  
She couldn’t say the same for Sybille. Sybille made Kel’s life a living hell, and with good reason. She was dangerously unpredictable. If Sybille had decided to take a different route into the woods that night and never returned, she could have lost them forever, or eventually discovered their dead body. Kel has expressed their dream of one day being free of her so that they may rest peacefully and live without so much fear. The loathing that boiled in their blood for her was not as strong as the terror she inspired every second of every day. Millicent established her goal to help them find a way to exorcise Sybille, no matter what it took.

  
Despite this, Sybille proved to her that she was not entirely evil. She had demons from the past just like her. It did not absolve her from her unscrupulous choices that risked Kel’s life daily, but it helped Millicent come to an understanding. The two reacted to their abuse in stark opposite fashions. Millicent denounced feelings altogether whereas Sybille made her exuberance so loud it drowned out the past. She had no right to call Sybille a fool, unless she intended to spurn her own character as well. It was clear that Sybille’s intentions were not to defame Kel, but to live in spite of her torturous past. She could never side with Sybille, but she could empathize. If she was going to be with Kel, then she could accept Sybille in the meantime.

  
Nevertheless, she missed Kel.

  
Sybille, as if she overheard her thoughts, released her grip on Kel’s girlfriend. She dabbed their tear stained cheeks and giggled bashfully. “You probably want to get back to where you left off with Kel, huh?”

  
“Yes.” Millicent deadpanned.

  
Sybille let out a hearty laugh. Then, slowly, she quieted. “Okay. This is not my body.” She said more to herself than to Millicent. “I trust you.” She looked at their arms and grabbed an errant branch that must have fallen from Sybille yanking at the leash with great force every time she ran in circles. The branch was thick and sturdy with jagged edges where sticks snapped off. She winced at Millicent. “I hate this part.”

  
Before Millicent could ask her to clarify, Sybille pulled the branch back and struck it against their bare arm. Millicent, without so much as a second thought, lurched to stop the branch from hitting their skin and slapped them roughly across the face. It echoed into the night. As the branch fell from their hands, Kel gasped in a huge breath of air as if suddenly emerging to the surface after nearly drowning. They hissed and held their cheek, covering the red handprint forming there.

  
“Sorry.” Millicent said, recovering from the shock.

  
Kel blinked hazily, confusion written over their face. Then, coming to, they sighed angrily, pulling their coat closer to their body. “Where are we?” They grumbled.

  
“Just outside my house.” She answered.

  
“I’m sorry.” They always said this whenever Sybille dragged Millicent to somewhere they didn’t start at, but they were particularly regretful tonight.  
She kissed them. In a moment of mental abstraction she forgot about the blood, and when she pulled away she found dots of it on her lips and the taste of iron on her tongue. She swept it up with her thumb and daintily cleaned it with her black cloak.

  
Kel, embarrassed, checked their lip for more but it seemed to be smeared away for the most part. They groaned in frustration and clenched their fists. “I warned you about me, Millicent. I’m not one person, I can never be with you completely. We can never have a normal relationship.”

  
“We never did.” Millicent reassured them. She held their fists and they relaxed at the touch. “I talked to Sybille.”

  
“I’m sure that was awful.” Kel spat.

  
Millicent mentally paged through the conversation in her head. “Not especially.”

  
“What do you mean?” Kel searched Millicent’s eyes worriedly. “What did she say?”

  
Millicent thought carefully about this. She wasn’t sure if Kel knowing would be a benefit to them, and sharing Sybille’s secret felt inconsiderate- not that she had shown anything resembling consideration to Kel. Still, now didn’t seem like an appropriate time to rehash her secrets to someone that despised her. Maybe later Millicent would tell them. But for now, she came up with something short and sweet and not entirely inaccurate. “She said to try again.”

  
“Try what again?” Kel raised a brow.

  
Millicent took this as permission. She crawled over and laced her arms around their bony shoulders, sliding the coat off their body. She leaned into their neck, grazed her teeth over the striated skin, and dragged her hands lower. “This.” she whispered hot air just below their ear.

  
Kel’s breaths became staggered. They took her into their long arms and gently rested her down on top of the cloak with her head propped up by a root of the oak tree. They asked with mild trepidation, “How about I take over this time?”

  
She obliged, twirling the thick stands of dark hair that cascaded over Kel’s shoulder and gave it a slight tug to beckon them closer.

  
They hesitated. She studied their concentrated expression curiously. Something was on their mind. She squeezed their shoulder muscles as if to coax it out of them.  
After a moment of them opening and closing their mouth they asked, “Did you slap me?”

  
She bit her lip and nodded curtly. “We didn’t have any medicine on hand. It was the first thing I could think of to prevent you from hurting yourself. I see the irony. It’s not a perfect solution.”

  
“But it worked.” They could both agree on that. It’s doubtful Sybille saw that coming, the shock alone was enough to allow Kel to regain control. Kel looked down, hair shielding their face from Millicent’s view, and shook their head.

  
“What?” Millicent probed, lifting their chin to look at her.

  
They averted their eyes to the side, avoiding eye contact. Their skin seemed to darken in hue from more than just the bruise forming on their cheek. They took a deep breath and asked ashamedly, “Could you do it again?”


	3. Sick Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is literally 13 pages of something I'm not entirely knowledgeable about that only I would be interested in, even then only marginally, and I'm not proud of it but it's here. It was meant to be a joke about my guilty pleasure for sickfics but then it just melted into one thing after another into nonsense that just isn't canonical but it's PRACTICE and all practice is good practice right.
> 
> Only true goths get colds in summer  
> Also suspend the disbelief that Kel has experienced rain at least once upon living on the surface

Crepuscular pylons of amber sun pooled through the backlit foliage of the pass as daylight slowly sank below the horizon. Horse hooves brushed dust up from the earth and the particles flittered in the light, mimicking a glittering fog. A golden glow reflected off the brush, only interrupted by slender shadows of tall black tree trunks that stretched into the sky. The Scarred led their horses along the trail to Emon at a steady pace, lost in their own separate worlds as a peaceful silence fell over the group.

Millicent squinted to see past the blinding beams of light peaking through the leaves. It brought a mild irritation to her head that had been gradually growing for the past few hours. She closed her eyes, coated with deep black shadow, and visualized the pinching sensation just behind her eyebrows. She leaned further back into Kel's chest and elicited a tired sigh. She felt their body tense, as if she had caught them momentarily off guard, then relax with a reassured exhale. Kel rested their chin in the crook of Millicent’s neck, pulled their arms around her tightly cinched waist, and drew little imaginary patterns with their fingers there. A sense of tranquility washed over her just knowing that Kel was there, holding her close. She fell into a trance, calmed by Kel’s touch, the sight of the approaching city in the distance, and the melody of crickets stirring in the bushes.

Kel was similarly at peace with this moment. They absent mindedly breathed in Millicent’s sweet scent that was carried by a soft breeze. There was something distinctive and familiar about her natural pheromones that reminded them of oncoming rain, which was the farthest degree away from what their old home could ever smell like. It comforted them to know that they were safe on the surface together. Millicent was Kel’s idea of home now, and they hoped she would stay that way forever. The concept of forever always hurt to dream of, the ever present doubt loomed in their mind, but they pushed it down and kissed her neck to pull away from those fears. Millicent had a solution for them to cheat death that they believed with every inch of their damned soul would work. Kel may not believe in much, but they believed in her.

The rocking Kel had grown accustomed to during this trip eased as Shineigh slowed nearly to a halt. They blinked in confusion and watched as the rest of the group trotted further ahead of them. There was no reason for them to come to an stop, unless Millicent had other plans that Kel was not aware of. Shineigh turned unexpectedly to the right, heading at a snail's pace off the path. Kel trusted their girlfriend's intuition, but trust did little to assuage the growing weariness that regularly plagued their mind. Millicent's right hand dragged down the reins, leading Shineigh in a half-circle. The silky, black fabric of Millicent's new dress slid underneath them. Kel's paranoia was immediately rewarded once, without warning, Millicent tipped limply off the side like a rag doll, and brought them with her.

“Millicent!” Kel gasped and with what little time they had to react quickly grabbed a hold of the saddle with their left and caught Millicent from nearly falling out of their grasp their right. They pulled her lax body back to the center, yelled her name again, and shook her awake. This drew the attention of the others who stopped and turned around to investigate.

She awoke with a small groan. Her eyes felt heavy and pain pulsed in her skull. The ache worsened as the horses whinnied in confusion.

Avarice worriedly asked from behind Dragomir on their spotted steed, “What happened?”

Millicent closed her eyes, shook her head, and sighed. “Nothing.”

“You almost fell!” Kel gripped Millicent’s arms so tightly it hurt, but she understood why.

Immeral didn’t bother turning the entire carriage around to speak to them. From a couple feet away, he asked over his shoulder in a tone that sounded just short of accusatory. “What’s wrong with her?” His inflection angered Millicent, only feeding flames to the fire of their burgeoning rivalry.

“I’m fine.” She nearly growled at Immeral, but it was made less intimidating followed by a sniff. Kel looked desperately at Millicent. She saw the worry in their eyes even through the dark lenses of their goggles at this proximity.

“You don’t seem fine.” Dragomir stated assertively. “We’re probably about a mile out. Maybe it would be better if we walked the rest of the way?”

Immeral objected. “I’m not walking. Besides, the faster we get there the sooner Millicent can rest, if that’s what she needs to do.” Though logic was at the core of his intentions, his words still came off as petulant and dismissive.

Dragomir steered Roach’s reins to face Immeral and argued under his breath for Millicent’s sake. “It wouldn’t be good if she fell.”

“I can ride.” Millicent interjected before Immeral could make another mildly offensive comment. She straightened and pushed away from Kel. She hated this. The attention, the incessant questions, the doubt. She didn’t want anybody telling her what to do except for Kel.

Immeral shrugged and flicked the reins to send Lethaneigh back on the trail. “You do whatever you feel is right.” He said pointedly as he parted ways from the group. Dragomir and Avarice shared concerned glances, both worried for Millicent and apologetic for Immeral’s sour attitude.

Kel dipped their head to ask by her ear, “Are you sure?” Their breath against her skin gave her chills. Kel usually had that effect on her, but this time it lingered in her sore muscles. She rolled her shoulders and nodded, even taking the reins and trotting ahead of everyone.

Once at a safe distance from the others she softly confided. “I’m just tired.”

Kel winced at the guilt that weighed in their chest. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have...” Before they could finish, Millicent shushed them consolingly.

The two alchemists had stayed awake late into the night finishing a potion that they had been tirelessly working on for half a week. They drastically underestimated the time elapsed and ended up working until day break, which only left them a couple of hours of rest. It didn’t help that Millicent stripped away one article of clothing at a time as a parallel contrast to the gradual addition of components. Disrobing may have offered relief under the scorching sunlight during the daytime, but she abandoned responsibility to the biting winds of night. The change of seasons and temperatures was enough to give her vertigo, but she didn't care when the moon so generously kissed her skin and dipped into her eyes. One by one, slowly, she shed each layer of black to the tempo of Kel dropping ingredients into the mixtures. It was her new game to tease Kel. This successfully distracted her partner, warranting more breaks than necessary and drawing out the process excessively for what should have only been simple final touches.

Kel had fun with Millicent, an unfamiliar and highly addictive experience for them without the presence of stimulants- although some tobacco was involved last night- but they regretted losing themself to the feeling. They should have paid more attention to her health and encouraged rest. There are rare occasions where Kel gets so lost in Millicent’s love that they sometimes forget that she is a human. However relieving it is to transcend forms and unconditionally worship the essence of her soul, the idea is made immediately dangerous upon remembering that she does in fact own a physical form, and one that is susceptibly affected by the elements as well as time. They can never waste a moment being so careless with her unless they intend on losing her sooner than later.

Millicent broke Kel out of their thoughts with a whisper. “Don’t worry.” They were always impressed with how she somehow seemed to know what went through their head. They wondered what obvious facial expression or body language they exhibited to give her the idea that something was off, but they had a feeling she possessed a sixth sense that attuned her to the emotions of others around her that she could put to good use if she weren't so naturally indifferent. “I’m fine.” She reassured, and Kel wanted to believe her, but she still trembled.

“Fine and cold?” The notion was doubtful considering the heat that blared on Kel's back. Their veins rose in their arms and hands as if their blood was being cooked and weighing them down. Nevertheless, they enveloped Millicent in their overbearing warmth. They reached for her pale hands around the reins and affectionately squeezed her peculiarly clammy palms.

What at first Kel feared was Millicent resisting their touch turned out to be her bringing her hands to cover her mouth. She quietly coughed into her fist. The fragile noise alone inspired pity and dread in Kel’s heart. They gripped the reins tighter in her hands’ absence. Millicent struggled to take breaths between coughs. Anxiety rose in Kel’s chest. They tugged on the reins in an effort to stop Shineigh, but the horse hung to the left, nearly crashing into Immeral until Millicent quickly took over and pulled Shineigh back. Their horse neighed irritably at the debacle and Lethaneigh seemed to huff in agreement.

Immeral made some joking comment about how Kel was incompetent at controlling their horse but they were too preoccupied with jumping off and helping Millicent down to listen to his quips. Millicent was in no shape to ride and Kel was unable to help in that aspect, so they firmly decided to put a stop to it before the situation could get worse. They cursed the possibility of her experiencing pain; they would rather die than to watch her fall victim to so much as a paper cut. The pounding of their own rising pulse against their eardrums and Millicent’s staggered breaths drowned out all other noise. The loud sounds reverberated in their bones. They took her hand, held her body close as she slid off Shineigh's back, then gently rested her heels on the ground and balanced her upright. She leaned into them and weakly gripped at the leather of their coat.

Something was wrong. This was different than ordinary exhaustion. Kel bent down and cupped their girlfriend’s flushed cheek. They brushed damp strands of raven hair behind her ear before they realized that she felt strangely warm to the touch. They pressed the back of their hand against her forehead and was immediately greeted with a burning heat. Their heart sunk.

She leaned into their touch that she craved and displayed an incredibly effective heart wrenching pout up to them. She considered taking advantage of this tender moment, maybe to play doctor and patient with them, but her vision blurred with a sepia hue and her surroundings spun and teeter tottered up and down. Breath escaped her. Her body became weightless. As if she were on a boat in a stormy sea, the waves rocked her off balance, and she fell into darkness.

Kel lurched to catch her as she suddenly fainted in their arms. They called for her, hopelessly confused and guilt ridden, begging her to answer them. Avarice dismounted Roach this time and rushed to help in any way that she could. Kel broke into a full panic now, breathing sporadically and collapsing to their knees with an unconscious Millicent in their arms. They heaved in sharp breaths and repeated a mantra that Avarice could barely make out as, “No, no, no. She’s sick. It’s all my fault. It’s all my fault. It’s all my fault,” until their words became muddled and incoherent.

Avarice forced herself not to be affected by the rising tension as she knelt down and reached for Millicent. She tried to ask Kel for permission first but they were overtaken with a nervous breakdown at the moment, so she figured they would discuss it later if there was any problem with her boundaries. Upon contact with her friend's ordinarily pale forehead, even as a tiefling, she noticed the high temperature. She wasn't sure if Kel could hear her over their ramblings and painful sounding breaths, but she had a guess that they were not at fault for Millicent's illness.

“She might have overheated," Avarice explained with a steady voice to mitigate their hysteric nerves rather than inflame them, "Which makes anyone more likely to faint while wearing a corset.”

Kel knew that made sense, especially coming from someone who had similar taste in fashion as Millicent. Even so, they instinctively reached for the knife strapped to their thigh, still struggling to breathe properly and stammering out nonsense with a horrified look on their face. Old habits die hard. Their heart raced. They wanted it to stop.

  
“We need to get her out of this corset.” Avarice suggested as calmly as possible. “It will be easier for her to take fuller breaths then, okay?”

Kel closed their eyes and followed Avarice's advice themself, breathing in deeply through their nose and out their mouth, clumsily at first, but eventually coming to a rhythm that was closer to normal. They released their grip on the knife. In lieu of the reality check that pain reliably offered, they brought their empty hand to their wrist and concentrated on tracing the vines and petals that Millicent inked. Their nails dug in and over the jagged bumps but only hard enough to scrape off dead skin. They swallowed, and with shaking hands rotated Millicent gently onto her front so they could have access to the back lacing of her corset. Avarice sympathetically patted Kel’s elbow for overcoming their inner battle, but they flinched and nearly started up again at her unexpected touch. She kept her hands to herself.

Kel had some practice with unlacing corsets for obvious reasons but had never done it with so many eyes watching them before. Despite the pressure, they found it easier to breathe and break away from the harrowing thoughts that afflicted them by concentrating on the meticulous task. They pulled the strings, noticing some difficulty at how tightly woven they were. It took some time to completely loosen the garment to the point where they worried they may not be able to free her, but they saw Millicent’s back rise and fall as her lungs filled with air once the tension in her ribs was released. Although partially relieved, Kel’s brows furrowed in a different concern.

They lifted her off the ground and carried her, bridal style, to the back of the carriage where Lethanitron resided. Avarice wanted to follow, but gave them their distance and decided to give horseback riding another try in the meantime. She led the intimidating, black horse to the side of the cart and tied a rope to one of the railings. Kel rested their girlfriend on the wooden floorboards of the cart and climbed in. It was exceptionally cramped with Lethanitron taking up most of the space, so they had to maneuver Millicent into their lap as half their body hung off the edge of the opening. It wasn’t comfortable, but at least it was safe.

\---

Millicent awoke in a fit of coughing, which was never pleasant to wake up to, but it was especially disconcerting upon immediately finding herself in a different place than before. She was in a large, firm bed with wine colored, velvet sheets, surrounded by generic wooden furniture and navy blue walls. The arrangement was ordinary for an inn. As she looked out the small window to her right, a wet rag fell from her forehead. She felt the cool dampness it left and noticed that her head felt much clearer, but now it hurt to swallow. The moon painted a sliver of ivory on the edges of the curtains that framed the window and stars freckled across the night sky behind the glass. She had no idea what time it was or how she got here in the first place, but she couldn't care less as long as her body was still intact, for the most part. She used the rag to cough into a couple more times and noticed the sleeves of her new, transparent, black robe. She discarded the rag to the bedside nightstand and admired the way the sleeves draped and reflected the light. It was the loosest, most lightweight piece of clothing she owned in her massive collection of gothic apparel. The silk waist ties must have come undone in her sleep, but she didn't mind. She cherished it, almost as much as she cherished the person who bought it for her.

She heard sniffling that was not her own in the room. She investigated the source of the sound to find her partner under the blankets next to her. They covered their face with freshly bandaged hands and failed to conceal their light sobbing. For a brief moment, Millicent wondered if Sybille had emerged while she slept, but she gently pulled Kel's hands down to find that their eyes were not clouded with shadow. Their silver irises were like glasses of water spilling over. She should have known sooner.

  
Sybille's tears were different than Kel's tears. Sybille’s cries were tortured and messy. The earth shook with her hurricane of woes. She was like a small child throwing a tantrum in the existence, or lack thereof, of a grown woman mourning what was stolen from her. She rarely let tragedy overcome her, but when she has, it was for herself. She cried like no one was watching, and it was over almost as soon as it began.

Kel's tears were more like dew drops sliding off blades of grass. Their cries were quiet and thoughtful, a mere side effect of abject remorse, so much so that Millicent wondered if they noticed their pain manifesting into tears. The endless marks against their skin were evidence enough that they had trouble feeling emotional pain and, instead, transformed it into something that was tangible. She has witnessed Kel weep on more than one occasion, but it has only ever been for her. A small part of her shamefully thought that they were beautiful when they cried. Her desire to kiss their tears and pain away was always stronger.

Since Millicent held their hands hostage, Kel buried their face into the pillow next to hers in humiliation. Noiselessly, they wept, nothing more escaping their throat than heavy breaths. Millicent rubbed her hand over their bare, striated shoulder that shook under her touch. It seemed to make matters worse as they curled into themself and gripped the hand that held theirs tightly. She kissed their hand and slender fingers in the small spaces between bandages, moving upwards to their shoulder, their neck, the base of their gauged ear, and across their cheek until coming under the dark circles of their eye. Her deep black lipstick mixed with their tears and dripped like water color paint down violet skin.

She brushed the dark hair from their face and promised, "I'm here. I'm still here." She had to push to create sound with her strained vocal chords, but even if her voice was stolen she would find a way to let Kel know she loved them.

Kel's heart shattered. "I couldn't protect you."

"What are you doing right now?" Millicent asked rhetorically.

Kel looked at her seriously with glossy, red eyes for a long moment, then replied indignantly, "Watching you suffer?"

Millicent had to force down a laugh from escaping as an exhale through her nose at how laboriously sweet they were to care this much for her. She sniffed instead and shook her head. "You brought me here. You're helping me get better."

"I'm helping you die." They contended.

"I'm not dying." She insisted with a suppressed cough and a rasp to her monotone voice. "I'm just a little sick."

"You wouldn't be sick if I hadn't been so careless." The words morphed into a strangled sound as they held back tears.

"No," She assured and pet their damp face. "I'm the one who pushed myself." She looked away for a short moment as blush rose to her pale cheeks. "I can't help myself around you."

Kel stared at the outline of her thin waist underneath the blankets. The sharp drop of her middle curve was unmistakable even covered by the bulk of the sheets. They hesitated, studying her scrupulously before pushing themself to ask in the steadiest voice they could conjure, "Is that why you were tight lacing?"

Millicent's eyes widened for half a second and then returned to her normal apathetic look. She was at a loss for words. She searched their pained expression, completely flummoxed that Kel confronted her severely about something this specific. "How did you know about that?"

Kel looked pensively to the white ceiling. Millicent could almost see their past replaying in their glassy eyes. "Well," They were unsure of how to begin. They bit their scarred lip as multiple expressions scintillated over their face and they blinked as if they were flipping through the pages of their history with their eyelids, their pupils scanning each chapter. "My sister always forced me into corsets on special occasions when I was younger." Millicent expressed her surprise in the form of a marginally raised eyebrow. "Given that I do not possess the most curvaceous figure, she may have had the best intentions of administering extra help by tight lacing, but it always caused me distress because I had difficulty breathing without her adjustments. I've fainted before as well." Kel shared. Millicent patiently reformed the words that were more difficult to process with their lisp in her mind. Kel aligned their intense gaze with hers. "I know how this sounds coming from me, but," They took her hands in theirs, "Please, don't hurt yourself."

Millicent's sniffles interrupted her contemplation. She didn't want to stop. She liked the way her body looked with a corset fastened as tightly as it can go, even if it tugged at the skin on her back. It took a lot of practice to learn how to adjust it herself without a mirror or extra hands. She spent so much of her life forbidden from clothing as provocative as she desired due to her ravenous father who wanted her all to himself. She refused to give her freedom up again. She defended herself. "It doesn't hurt. I'm used to it."

Rather than argue, Kel pulled the blankets away from Millicent and lifted the thin robe from her body. Her ribcage was starkly visible on her small frame. Red rashes from the friction of the corset shifting while riding Shineigh accompanied faint bruising under her ribs.

"This has nothing to do with my cold." She said, directing the conversation back to something that was less personal.

"I know." They sighed. They tugged at the ruffled lining of her robe. "I love the way you dress. I would never try to change who you are. It's just," Their voice momentarily caught in their throat. They shut their eyes tightly to force down the wave of emotion. "I don't handle seeing you like this very well."

Millicent's voice barely reached over a whisper as she asked, "Why?"

Kel shook their head. "It's... dark."

She cleared her throat before speaking this time. "Tell me."

They looked at her with wide eyes, lost and scared. They swallowed thickly and tore their eyes away from her, unable to face her. They breathed in, afraid of how their words would come out, and breathed out, knowing Millicent would never think less of them given the countless opportunities she has had in the past. Again, they stumbled with forming a start to a well of words that was doomed to flood, but nevertheless they dove in.

"When you fell into my arms, breathless and frail, I couldn't stop thinking that this is what the end would look like." They said solemnly.

"The end?" She questioned hoarsely.

Kel nodded, still averting their eyes. "Yours, and mine."

She held their hand, and though the gesture was gentle and sweet, in Kel's loud mind it felt like pins sinking into their skin. They smoothed their phantom-like thumb under her dainty fingers to tether them to reality.

"As I lay you down on the bed and watched as you slept, I worried that sickness would take you from me. I would wait forever for you to wake. Hundreds of years would pass and I would still be next to you, studying your every feature, begging your corpse to stir." They blinked and the tears that hung on their eyelashes dripped down. "I'd wish to join you, but you would go to where I cannot follow. No amount of suffering that the Nine Hells promises would surpass the deafening ache of losing you."

Millicent stopped them. "You underestimate what devils are capable of."

Kel looked at her this time to bite back, "You underestimate how much you mean to me."

She smiled. All at once, Kel's arms wrapped around her and they pulled their forehead into her sternum. Their legs tangled together with hers. They gripped tightly, their fingertips pressing hard into her shoulder blades, and they pulled her in impossibly close. She understood that Kel meant every word of what they said. Millicent pet their long hair, brushing out the tangles. She worried that the strength of their love was conversely destroying them, but she risked hypocrisy if she claimed the same were not true for her as well. She rolled onto her back so that Kel could rest on top of her chest. They listened to her heart, still beating.

"I realize my imagination is getting the best of me, as it is wont to do, but when you woke up..." They held her tighter. Millicent could feel the wetness from their eyes on her chest. They breathed, "I was so relieved."

She kissed the top of their head. "I'm here." She stroked their bare back up and down their spine. "I'm still-"

She turned away as a wave of coughs suddenly tormented her. Her throat and abs throbbed violently, albeit it was admittedly easier to breathe without a corset constricting her lungs during the attack. When she recovered, Kel was no longer in bed with her, but dressing by the wardrobe near the foot of the bed.

She watched their back, riddled with raised scars from ruthless whipping that made her blood boil. She always saw past the scars, since the marks did not make them who they were, but she was occasionally reminded of how deeply she craved to destroy every monster from the Underdark that hurt Kel. Even in her current state, she would go through hell and back to ensure every last oppressor saw no mercy. Her storm was calmed only by the ink that spread across Kel's left shoulder blade. She still wasn't sure what designs she wanted to poke into the spacious area of their back, but it would have to be something well saturated and busy to cover the numerous and expansive gashes.

Kel didn't seem to feel her seethe at their back and continued to dress nonchalantly. They fastened the belt of their pants, then reached for a tie for their hair. They kept their shirt off for the process, and, even in her sickly haze, Millicent appreciated the sensual nature of their unintentional show. She loved the way their back muscles tensed and rippled as they ran their hands through the thick strands of hair. Their sinewy build was outlined in all the right places under the moonlight. They gathered their hair back and held it in place with one long arm as the other retrieved the band from their mouth. Their head was tilted just enough for Millicent to catch the way their bottom lip dragged on their thumb when they pulled the band over their fingers. They secured their hair, high and out of the way, then donned a shirt they had cut large holes into where the sleeves used to be to makeshift a breathable tank top that allowed them to survive in the heat. They only wore this sans their lightweight coat around Millicent due to how much of their skin it showed, but tonight they expected to be gone for a minute and back before any night owls could catch a glimpse of their lilac scars.

"Where are you going?" Millicent rasped.

"I'll be right back." They said as they slid on their boots. They flashed her a weak smile, goofy with their missing teeth but no less disheartening, and exited the room, locking the door behind them.

Millicent took this time to let herself go while they were not watching her. She stood weakly and looked at herself in the vanity atop the dresser. Her own reflection appeared as a stranger. She liked her pale skin, but tonight she rose to new levels of corpse-like in aesthetic. She could understand why Kel was so concerned. Her eye shadow smudged deep into the crevices of her eye bags, and with a red tint lining the edges of her eyes she looked perfectly infected. It was raw moments like these where prestidigitation came in handy. With a wave of her hand she was bereft of makeup and left with dewy skin that was thin enough for her veins to be exposed, trailing from under her eyes into her cheekbones. She retrieved her black handkerchief, a bittersweet memento of home, and dried her reddening nose, cleaning the fabric magically afterwards. She considered reapplying her make-up so that Kel wouldn't have to see her like this, but, as if on cue, Kel walked in before she had the chance.

A sympathetic and genuinely loving smile hit their lips once their eyes met her face. They had no preference for what Millicent did with her exterior, otherwise they would never be satisfied due to her ever-changing looks as a consequence of her artistic nature, but there was something special about catching her off her guard, au naturel. Kel was the only person lucky enough to see her willingly present her skin in this state. No one would know how naturally beautiful she was, how her skin really was that pale aside from the light pink undertones under her eyes, and how, without any darkness to contrast her gray blue eyes from her milky complexion, some may find her ghastly but Kel found her ethereal. Her features were smaller without the presence of dark colors and designs emphasizing them which made her entire form seem smaller as a result. They felt that if she shrunk any further, a reality made possible by the spells she's studied, she could fit in their pocket, not possible or advised, and they would keep her safe there. They lost themselves in this frivolous line of thought, as well as in her soft eyes, and nearly forgot about the burning hot liquid in their hand.

"How did you manage to acquire tea at this hour?" Millicent asked, not drawing attention to the dopey look smeared on her partner's adoring face. She found it equal parts flattering and comical that it took them a second longer than normal to register her question and she watched their expression twist as they reestablished their surroundings.

In those brief moments, she recognized that Kel had been acting, for lack of a better word, slower. Not in a drastic sense, but they exhibited minor subtleties that she detected were off-brand. Comparing the lengthy duration of their lamentations might not be fair, but they were also more patient with their words and normally wouldn't deign to leave her alone, even for a second, without a checklist of contingency plans. There was a chance she could be reading them incorrectly, but she had a hunch that their eyes were glossy from more than tears. With the stress they underwent, it shouldn't come as any surprise to her that they would get high to alleviate their anxiety. She may have even recommended they do as such. Not that either of the two were strangers to recreational drug use, but medicinal purposes were ideal. So, she let them carry on with their facade.

"I didn't." They eventually responded, "I just warmed the water by the fire. Avarice requested the tea leaves once we arrived here, and you know Avarice..."

Millicent returned to the bed, pulled the covers over her knees, and accepted the cup of hot tea from Kel. "You got a discount?" She assumed.

"It was on the house." Kel said with mocking indifference.

Millicent reconsidered the beverage with some disdain. "This feels like stealing."

"We were very convincing," Kel justified, "What with you in my arms and me meticulously checking your pulse. I have a feeling the bartender would have insisted without Avarice's charms."

She conceded and cooled the tea with her breath before carefully sipping it. She preferred black tea as anyone would guess, but this green tea contained pleasant hints of apple and honey that impressed her. Regardless of flavor, the warmth that traveled down her sore throat was euphoric. Kel's jaw hung lose as they observed her enjoying the drink to an extent so passionate it bordered on seductive. They wondered if Millicent could find a way to make any mundane activity shorten their breath.

  
Millicent eyed her partner from behind the steaming cup as they sat at the end of the bed by her feet. She could easily detect the blush that they nervously attempted to hide, but beyond that she studied their dark circles, the hollowness to their bone structure, and the redness of their eyes. Kel looked utterly exhausted. She would never imagine that anyone in this coldhearted and unforgiving world could care this deeply about her. She didn't want them to stress over her to this enormous and unreasonable of an extent, especially for things that were out of her control. It hurt her to know she was the cause of their perilous spike in anxiety.

She took another sip of the hot liquid, appreciated how it thawed the pain, and stared at her warped reflection in the tea. She began tentatively, "I can promise not to tight lace anymore," Kel's eyes visibly lit up in a way that simultaneously warmed her heart and birthed irrational spite that she forced down, "But I cannot promise that I will never get sick again."

"I know." Kel sighed, shame written over their face and in their low voice. "I know I'm overreacting. You said that you were used to the pain, but I am not used to your pain."

She set the tea aside on the nightstand and crossed her arms. "Do you think that I am used to yours?"

"You haven't adjusted by now?" Kel joked with a playful smirk.

Millicent did not laugh, which was customary around anyone else, but Kel usually found a way to crack a rare smile out of her. Not this time. She instead shot them a look that could freeze their blood. They realized the weight of their statement and mentally kicked themselves at infantilizing the grief that Millicent has suffered over their reckless self harm, drug addiction, and near death experiences.

"Sorry," They backtracked, "I can't prevent Sybille any better than you can prevent getting sick."

Millicent's eyes softened before, apropos of getting sick, she covered her coughs until they subsided and she found solace in the tea. The damaged look on Kel's face was pricelessly pathetic. She was almost curious to test if there was nothing they wouldn't do for her in this condition, but she would never patronize them for their unconditional devotion.

Once she trusted her voice not to send her in another fit of coughs, she pointed out, "We can't react like this every time one of us is hurt."

Kel begrudgingly agreed. They idly scratched their inkless arm and said, "I guess it's not very productive to fret over the inevitable."

"Not this much." Millicent said, nigh chastising. "What are we supposed to do?"

Kel half-heartedly suggested with a shrug, "Have faith that we will get better?"

Millicent nodded though she knew it would not be easy. "Better" was a subjective and unstable concept that eluded the two. "Better" could mean literally exorcising demons and overcoming illness and trauma, but it could also mean merely surviving to tomorrow. Tonight it meant trust and finding contentment in one another's heart beats.

Kel continued to scratch, now at the tattooed arm, with a concerning vigorousness that left streaks of white that burned into red. They stopped wearing bandages as regularly since their wounds were closing and usually only dressed their hands when working with chemicals as a precaution, favoring the precision of their slender fingers over gloves. Unless they worked on a concoction while she slept, which she doubted due to their paralyzing anguish, there was no reason for them to wear the wrappings. She didn't want to overanalyze or interrogate, but the discoloration on the white bandages and their surreptitiously medicated state of being raised her suspicions.

Carefully, she asked, "Did you start again?"

They dug into their arm ceaselessly. "Start what again?"

She pointed at the bandaged hand that rested on their knee. She didn't intend for her words to sound accusatory, but her apprehension grew. "Did you think I wouldn't notice?"

They blanched and said defensively, "No, of course not. I've stopped..." They blanked on the appropriate terminology to use, neither of them directly addressing it, and settled for, "Doing that. Your tattoos have helped me so much." They insisted fervently, but still clawed at their skin. "The scabs just itch like fucking crazy."

Kel felt their limbs tense up and quickly realized that Millicent attempted to cast a spell on their body. It was noticeably weaker due to her sickness, but nevertheless jarring and unsolicited. They broke out of the paralysis with an offended shout.

Millicent, unfazed, ordered as sternly as she could manage with her sore voice, "Stop. You're bleeding."

Though they requested she use magic on them before, they felt violated in this circumstance. "You could have just said that!"

"I have said it and you're still scratching, as I anticipated." She chided.

They finally looked down at their arm and found that blood surfaced on more reopened scabs than they expected. They covered the ones at their elbow and squeezed in place of scratching.

"I can probably make something to ease the irritation," Millicent offered, "But I will need to search tomorrow for the right ingredients."

"No." Kel immediately turned down the idea. "You need to rest."

"Then I'll send you out to fetch what I need." She finished the tea and set it down with more force than she intended onto the nightstand. The sound made Kel flinch so subtly it would have gone unnoticed to anyone without as trained and doting of an eye as Millicent's. She reached for their hand as an apology but they pulled away, resuming to fight off the itch. She squinted at them, her skepticism rising by the minute. "Kel, are you lying?"

They glared at the floor and clenched their fists to stop their fingers. "No."

She tilted her head in attempt to search their face. "Leaving out details is still lying."

They hung their head until pieces of their hair shielded their eyes. They were quiet for a long moment, staring at their hands as if they could answer her instead of them. They considered leaving the room, but knew they would come crawling back to her. Defeated, they murmured, "I'm sorry, Millicent." Her heart dropped into her stomach at their words. They sounded so hallow and despondent. "Today was really hard."

This hurt worse than the pain in her throat. This pain was a harrowing onslaught of shock and pity and betrayal, but she staved off the overwhelming emotions from reaching her face. She brought her knees to her chest, away from Kel. It took all of her energy to ask, "Why?"

Kel still hung their head morosely. They knew no answer could excuse their failure to keep their promise and stay clean. "I don't know. It kept itching, and-"

"No." She interrupted them. They shut up. Kel could feel her piercing gaze boring into their skin. Her eyes did not hold anger or sadness, but were empty from the numbness that took over from the clash of conflicting feelings. She needed to know. "Why did you lie to me?"

The hurt in her voice, though fading and concealed by idiosyncratic flatness, was palpable.

They pulled at their hair and yelled hopelessly, "Because I didn't want you to think you weren't helping!" They looked at her desperately, but she was unaffected by the rise of intensity. They explained hastily with pleading gestures, "I think about it every day. I can't stop thinking about it, whether it's to stop Sybille or think clearly for just one goddamn second. I want to stop but I can't. The only other thing that's ever on my mind is you." They touched her legs from over the blankets. She stayed still, her expression unwavering. "I look at the garden you created and remember how good it feels to be free and whole with you." They gripped her calves and bowed their head by her knees. "But today I couldn't stop thinking that I was going to lose you and that I might not even be the one to say goodbye. I couldn't risk Sybille abandoning you, or worse. I needed to keep her out. But it's my fault that any of this happened at all."

She made no move to comfort them. "Did it help?"

They crumbled into her legs, crestfallen. They turned their face so their words were not muffled by the blankets. "No. In the moment, it felt really good and safe, but not anymore." They stared at the bandages and bleeding marks on their arms. More permanent additions to their collection they thought they could finally stop feeding. "I feel so much worse."

She held out her hand by their face. "Let me see your knife." She demanded calmly.

They balked at her absurd request. They were grateful that she had the decency to ask instead of throwing it away like she did with Avarice's flask, which was brash despite well-deserved, but they kept the knife close for more than their addiction. "Millicent, no. What if I need it to defend myself?"

"That's not what you're using it for now." She said with an edge to her apathetic tone.

They winced at the venom that remark injected, but still fought for their right to safety. They begged her to reconsider, "What if I'm all out of options?"

"I'm not taking your knife away." She informed them, a touch disturbed with their wanton show of attachment to the tool. "It would be much worse if you found other ways to harm yourself."

They felt heat rise to their face in embarrassment of their own derangement and lack of control. They unsheathed the knife from their thigh strap and gave it up to her, spinning it so that the handle faced her.

Millicent was aware, to a certain degree, that Kel has already indulged in experimenting a variety alternatives they have invented in the event that their knife was confiscated or misplaced. They first formed their destructive habits over thirty years ago, which allowed more than enough time for their mind to wander. With the power of lightning, acid, fire, and more at their fingertips, they could get very creative in resetting their pain threshold. Whether unfortunate or lucky, Sybille intervened with casting that she felt was unjust, so their attempts at magical self mutilation went unexplored. Poison, however, was a method they have exhausted, considering the convenience of working in an apothecary. They vaguely shared this information with Millicent in one of their leisurely conversations of recounting suicide attempts.

Once she accepted the knife, Kel instantly regretted letting go. If she tried to hurt herself with it to exemplify their hypocrisy, they would never forgive themself. Though it might serve as an effective strategy to guilt them into stopping, Millicent would never scathe her skin when she went to such lengths to hide her scars daily. She had an idea that she hoped would be more constructive.

She pulled the waist ties out from her robe as she asked, "Why do you blame yourself for what happened today?"

Kel composed themself and answered seriously. "I shouldn't have kept you up as late as I did. I should have paid more attention to your health. None of this would have happened if I let you stay at home where it's safe. I was too selfish to let you go." Their hands fled to their face as stress took over. "And now I've ruined your trust by tarnishing the meaning of your art. You supported me and I failed to listen. You deserve a better life. I want to give that to you, but I fucked everything up. That's all I've ever done for you."

  
"You're right." Millicent said simply. They knew they were, but it still devastated them to hear her say it. She wrapped the handle of Kel's knife with the silk ties, now functioning as a decorative ribbon. She continued. "Without you, I may have never left Stilben. I would have been slaughtered by orcs if I tried to leave, or hung for murder if I stayed and got caught. I would never have made it to my own house in Westruun that is now full of memories I never thought I could enjoy. I wouldn't have had the desire to learn magic that has helped make my life easier and safer." She looked into their eyes. "Most importantly, I would never have known love without you. Now, I do."

Kel wanted to contest her statements, but suppressed their irrational fears to let her speak.

"I never expected you to be cured overnight from one technique I tried with you." She assured. "I want to help you, but I don't want you to feel like you have to lie in order to convince me I've saved you." She tied a knot at the bolster so that the remainder of the fabric hung over the blade. "I can't save you from yourself any more than you can save me from myself. If we decide to be reckless, that's out of our control."

She handed the knife back to them with the newly adorned hilt facing them. They examined it, then looked to her for an explanation.

"My original plan was to cover you in tattoos starting at one point and spreading outwards, but that leaves a lot of your skin uncharted." Millicent said. Kel's body looked as if someone poured designs from their left shoulder down to their thigh, but their right side was blank as far as ink goes. They had to admit that they were more inclined to damage the parts she didn't coat. They only actually needed bandages on their right hand, but matched their left to save face, albeit poorly. They would never disrupt Millicent's masterpieces with broken skin. She elucidated on her new potential treatment plan. "Now when you feel the urge and I'm asleep or otherwise preoccupied, wrap this ribbon around the part you want to cut. When I am conscious or able I will poke something there. I can mend the ribbon if you need to put it in more places than one."

They thumbed over the silk ties with trepidation. There was a new weight to the knife that came with the ribbon that they were unaccustomed to. They spoke carefully. "I don't want to fail you again."

She pushed onto her knees and leaned into their shoulder, folding their fingers over the silk. She held tightly, hoping the next time their thoughts went dark that they would feel the ghost of her hand wrapped around theirs. "The only person you can fail is yourself." They did not look confident that they could follow through. "It's not a perfect solution, but if nothing else, it can serve as a distraction." She knew they were scared. She was scared too, though she would never show it. All she wanted was for them to keep living. She missed their eyes that they kept hiding away from her. She lifted their chin so that she could look into them again and know that she was serious. "I promise nothing is going to stop me from loving you, no matter how dangerous or culpable you think you are." She whispered. "You are all I have."

Kel grabbed her wrist, closed their eyes and took over her lips passionately. She jolted in mild surprise and fought between pushing away and eagerly accepting the kiss. They intertwined their fingers with hers on their face. Beyond all stimulants and coping mechanisms in existence, Millicent was their only panacea. She healed them deeper than any medication and excited them more than any aphrodisiac. They craved her. She pulled away once they parted her lips.

"You're going to get sick." She said breathlessly.

They considered claiming that they already were in a different sense, but instead kept their mouth close and said, "As long as I'm sick with you."

This, of course, earned them a swift pillow to the face.


End file.
